random babble…

i don’t like to get all personal here, and call people out…but i have been following a couple of posts by kactus at feministe.  

she has been talking about her new doc, who by my accounts rocks and receives 5,000 points on the arbitrary ‘you rock’ scale for actually listening to her, and helping her in a way from which she may actually benefit…but someone got their knickers in a twist b/c she had the audacity to call her meds happy pills, and be thankful that her doc gave them to her.  if someone is happy w/ their doc, i have to both be jealous and applaud them for their luck.

and if you have the nerve to drive by and judge someone for something you know ABSOLUTELY NOT ONE FUCKING THING ABOUT, (and no i don’t care that you had an experience, or what your experience was) then i have only one thing to say to you:

BACK THE FUCK OFF!

there are only two ways you could possibly be an expert on someone else’s mental illness, or any other thing about a person, if you are a) that person or b) sharing that person’s fucking body and brain…and i don’t think that is possible.

so i will say it again:

BACK THE FUCK OFF!

i don’t care how much research you have done on anti-depressants.  i don’t care that you were on them as a teenager and they made you try to kill yourself (ok i kind of care, b/c i think that is sad and a horrible situation and i grieve in my soul for anyone who has ever been there) b/c that in no way makes you me, or kactus, or our doctors, or any one else w/ a mental illness, or anyone other person in the god damned universe who is remotely involved in our lives, situations or medical conditions.

“if you believe depression is a disease, prove it”.

real fucking classy of you.  way to belittle something you obviously know nothing about.  i am sorry you had a hard time coping w/ your own depression and situations, and so glad to see that you were able to overcome it w/o happy pills and therapy.  have a fucking cookie.  not all of us are that lucky.

like i have mentioned b/f here on my blog, i have OCD.  i have a cute little offshoot of OCD called trichotilimania.  i regularly pull out my eyelashes, body hair, pluck my eyebrows to oblivion (unless i routinely get them waxed), and dig at my scalp until it bleeds.  it is one of a few contributing factors to my upcoming military medical discharge.  i also have fibromyalgia, which brings w/ it unbearable pain, insomnia, and SEVERE CHRONIC DEPRESSION.  let’s be clear: i am depressed b/c i am in so much pain, I AM NOT IN PAIN B/C I AM DEPRESSED.  this is not all in my head.  my pain and depression are very fucking real.  so, b/t the fun routines i force myself to go through to alleviate the twisted shit that goes on in my mind, the balding spots i have and the constant shaving of my whole body so as to not have hair to pull, a scalp that itches b/c i constantly have scabs, extreme excruciating pain that can be brought by such exerting activities as wearing socks or the sheet under which i sleep, the inability to sleep when tired, being woken from the first good sleep in days by the sheet on my legs, the daily constant headache that i have learned to live w/ b/c my doctor treats me like a drug seeker when i actually force myself to ask for a pain reliever, the barrage of medical tests that keep telling me i am the picture of health, the constant fatigue, and the uncontrollable crying b/c i realize that i am only 27 and that my body won’t let me exercise the way i need to to lose weight (which oh, yeah, the fat shaming…i almost forgot how everyone assumes i am lazy and ever doc thinks the magical answer is losing weight even though exercise puts me in bed immobilized for days) you will excuse me if i allow myself zoloft to ease the mental anguish.  EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME IF I CAN’T JUST ‘DEAL W/ IT’!!!

and in addition, every doctor i have seen tells me i have fibromyalgia, but not one of them has the ovaries or balls put it in writing so that i can get the help i need.  they insist that the best course of treatment for chronic pain is anti-depressants.  that, coupled w/ a good night’s sleep.  meanwhile supervisors and co-workers look at me and see nothing wrong and tell everyone else that i must be ‘faking it’ and that it is all ‘in my head’.  my daughter’s ass hat of a father tells me that i can’t possibly take good care of my Kid while on my happy pills, b/c since they didn’t work for his father they can’t possibly work for me.  and no one has ever heard of my condition, so my medical board only finds me unfit due to ‘chronic depression’ furthering the myth that my pain is caused by my depression, when in fact i am depressed b/c i am in so much pain.

so you will excuse me if i tell you that i will happily take a pill or two in order to enjoy the tiny bit of life i can live w/ the way my body works…as i sit here w/ cramping hands b/c my joints are so swollen i can barely type and i wonder why i am dignifying your asinine arguments at all…i sure as fuck won’t link to your blog to give you any glory for perpetuating lies and casting stones at people who are taking control and living their lives as best they can.

may you be knocked off of your high horse and land in a warm fucking pile of clue.  your pretentious opinion is not fact.  and defending our right to make our own informed choices about our own medical situations is not attacking you.

it is you who are attacking us.

GO TO HELL!

PS: i think the animals are tasty, which is why i am only an on again/off again vegetarian.