random babble…

it HAS been a while since i have babbled about something so serious.  but today, going through my news feeds and checking in w/ my favorite blogs i came across this, via Shakesville (that haven in which i find sweet relief) which i can only describe as something that one should avoid stepping in to avoid ruining one’s shoes.  it’s worth mentioning that the illustrious Emily Yoffe, who penned this rubbish, is astoundingly able to blather on and on about something she apparently knows nothing about, admitting herself that she grew up in a disaster of a two parent home.  it is also worth mentioning, that in addition to her poor research and cherry picked numbers and studies, that she offers no solution outside of matrimony for these so called economic disasters that are single parent (mothers, she only speaks of mothers, the fathers only in passing) homes, but she seems to place the blame for poverty and the destruction of the marital home squarely on the shoulders of the single mothers.

now there’s an angle i have never seen b/f.  /snark. 

 so instead of focusing on creating or expanding programs to help the single parents stricken by poverty, such as subsidized daycare to help them get decent paying jobs, or expanding insurance so they don’t have to worry if they or the the child becomes ill, causing one to miss work, either to take care of themselves or the sick child, she wags a shaming finger at us impossible sluts for not being willing to marry someone just b/c we managed to fit tab a into slot b one night long ago.  apparently it is far easier to pretend it isn’t anyone’s responsibility to help as long as there can be blame placed to help her sleep at night.  

but no, we should focus on slut shaming the women who would dare get pregnant of out oh holy wedlock, and carry to term (wait!  i thought that was what everyone wanted…lots of babies no abortions), or chastising women who want to exercise their right to have a child regardless of marital status, or parents in same sex relationships who desire to raise children.  that seems to be working, so let’s keep at it, OK?  telling teenagers to not have sex is pretty much curbing teen pregnancy, isn’t it?  let’s ask Texas how that’s working out for them, shall we?

and then she rambles on about not marrying a bio father b/c he can’t provide economic stability.  12 gods forbid that maybe a woman be able to provide her own financial stability, or that maybe when you get married you be equal providers, or *gasp* the woman might actually bring home more bacon.  Yoffe fails to recognize in her yammering that the thing w/ 25-29 y/os is that possibly, they are choosing to be unmarried mothers.  some women are actually financially secure, and ready to be mothers w/o really wanting a man in their lives.  i have one such friend, who actively sought out conception so that she could have the baby she has always wanted.  she has no desire to get married, or even involve the bio father at all.  she went to great lengths to ensure that he would be on board w/ this, and all she really wanted to add to her life at this time is a baby.  Yoffe also fails to recognize that “unmarried” doesn’t add up to “single” by any stretch.  there are plenty of same sex couples out there raising children, who through no fault of their own, are raising their children in an unmarried household.  and there are quite a few mixed sex couples together, not marrying by choice (i happen to fall into that category, as the Guy reminds me that i don’t really fit in the “single” parent bracket.  when i told him “society doesn’t agree”, he said “society can go stuff it”).  but i think Yoffe failed to think of a lot of things.

but the thing about Yoffe’s blathering that irks me the most is her disdain for the non traditional family.  this idea of hers that the only acceptable way to raise a child is in a one man one subservient woman married  household (probably white, too) is nonsense.  it’s worse than nonsense, it’s ignorant.  

we probably live in one of the most non-traditional of non-traditional families.  there are no steps involved.  there is me, and the Kid, and my devoted opposite sex partner.  marriage isn’t something we are sure we want…i have a whole rant on that one lined up.  we live in a situation that, for me as a single mom, allows me a lot more freedom, and the Kid more comfort.  we have three roommates, and we split everything, from rent, to food, to all utilities.  we didn’t just pick random people off of the street, we have known each other for all the years we had been in the Navy together.  when i need someone to keep an eye on the Kid so i can run to the grocery store, or go to work when she isn’t at school, there is someone there that i trust wholly.  she is free to keep going in her “element”, playing, creating, or sleeping, whatever is going on…she is undisturbed.  there is always someone around willing to dote attention on her, play cards, a video game, or read a story to her.

the money i save by not trying to afford a home here in O’ahu for two of us (or three, as the case may be) i am able to put towards an amazing school…albeit one that she gets a scholarship to attend, but i wouldn’t be able to afford it as comfortably as i do.  i am also able to afford things like extra curricular activities, and clothes, since she insists on growing.  i would not be able to afford any of this on my income and child support alone (child support barely covers our share of monthly food, let alone the cost of tuition or even one share of our share of rent).

when she has a school event, there are so many people cheering her on.  when the school has a work day, there are several good able bodied people to assist w/ the things i am unable to.  there is someone around to diffuse any tension i might feel as a parent, diverting attention or stepping in to help w/ a difficult situation.  there is someone here, always teaching her something.  we have built community, and a family.

and is she happy?  you had better believe it.  she gets many rounds of hugs and kisses before bed, and a story read by anyone who has the time.  if it’s the weekend and we have family movie time (b/c we are just all that close) she has any choice of laps to curl up in and fall asleep b/f being carried off to her bed.  she is loved and confident.

it helps that we live in Hawai’i, where the concept of Ohana is more easily understood.  there are bounds of non-traditional families around us, w/ a grandparent or other generations or several families living under one roof.  i find that Hawai’ian culture allows for more tolerance and understanding of these things than the mainland states (just as one example, i find that there is less hate towards transgendered, bisexual, and homosexual people b/c there are aspects of polynesian culture in which it was not only acceptable behavior, but revered.  love is love in these traditions, no matter where it comes from).  the concept of it taking a village really works around here.  and i don’t have to put up w/ harsh criticisms from people who think they know better than me how to do what i have been doing for almost six years just fine w/o them and their concern trolling.  people here get us, our situation, and the way it works for us.

and since Yoffe insists on making references to movies and painting them as models of actual society, i offer up Disney’s Lilo and Stitch.  talk about your blended family.  there is a family that has figured out the concept of coming together for necessity and thriving b/c of it.  

i realize that my example doesn’t prove a rule.  but i am reading a lot of similar sentiments and examples in various places these days.

i am reading The Mommy Myth, which is an excellent read for anyone who is a feminist ally or progressive minded when it comes to parenting.  it’s a great pat on the back for single moms, too, as it explains that the media is trying to make us hate ourselves and each other.  in the book the author says that there is a belief in psych circles that the proper ratio of adults to children for raising children is about three to one, noting that the traditional family fails to provide this.  my family does.  and then some.

i could tell you the story of what could have been.  i could tell you all the reasons that i chose to not be w/ the Kid’s father any longer.  i could tell you all the reasons why i am in a much better situation now…but i know that he reads this blog at least occasionally, or pokes around in it since i guess he has nothing better to do than attempt to keep tabs on me.  that is a rant for another day.

but i will tell you that we are in a far better situation than succumbing to the temptation to become Yoffe’s ideal family.  we have opportunities that i wouldn’t have been able to provide if i had married.  we get to live in some of the most beautiful places in the world.  i know that my Kid is always around people whom i trust, and who treat her as a person to be respected.  she is treated as a person, and not some little girl.  they help me reinforce the feminist ideals and the concepts of personhood and equality.

and she doesn’t have to be around constant fighting, and she is able to see what a healthy relationship b/t two loving and equal partners looks like, and how a household of like minded adults cooperate for the good of everyone involved.  she can see what it is like to be around people to respect each other, and respect her too.  she apparently is going to be more open minded than Yoffe.

morons like Yoffe fail to realize that the “traditional” family isn’t traditional anymore.  she points out in her own writing that somewheres of 40 percent of children are born out of precious wedlock, and i believe there are similar or higher numbers for divorce (i am too lazy to Google it right now, as i have to get out the door in a moment), so internets, feel free to correct my numbers.  but more and more families are flying in the face of the conventional family and showing that it works, not just as well as, but sometimes better than this “traditional” family.  i have seen too many marriages break down to believe that it is in fact the best way.  i have seen too many women suffer from ass hat men who refuse to treat them or children as anything better than property, and i have seen same sex couples raising healthy and happy children.  i have seen successful single mothers of all colors, and i have seen a whole bunch of men pretend to be victims of their own poor decision making when it comes to parenting to believe that it takes a man and a woman together w/ a holy piece of paper to properly raise a child.  i also have a friend, who has to live at home due to some unfortunate circumstances, who’s parents married b/c they were pregnant for her (even lied and said she was born premature), and have seen the abusive train wreck that is their lives.  he is an alcoholic horrible abuser who pretends being a former marine is next o holiness, and she is an enabler, and equally abusive (albeit emotionally and mentally, not physically) to their daughter.  so i am gonna going to have to go ahead and say that being married in a hetero sitch isn’t the golden rule.

i very much enjoyed the reactions that i read on this trope at Faux Real, and Feministe.  Lauren nails this, along w/ La Lubu’s comments, w/ her “right the fuck on”.

so i will reiterate, Emily Yoffe, the sentiment that seems to be circulating about now in regards to something that should have remained in your Ignorant Diary of Hate and Shame…

STFU already.